| - SuNdaY aPriL 13, 2oo3 - |

 Hey guyz. Well today was quite interesting but before I get to that ... I'll go into yesterday so you undertsand my story alright?

| - SaTuRdAy ApRiL 12, 2oo3 - | I honestly thought that my life couldn't get any better. I mean, I had a great baby boo ... school life was great, I have amazing friends, but one thing just ruined everything. MY FAMILY well not my family ... just MY PARENTS. yes, them. Saturday started out well. I woke up, watched "Whatever it Takes" [i think thats wut its called] and while I was watching the movie, I cooked some pancit palabok with my mom and sister. Things went on and Ricky called me. I told him to greet his mom a happy happy birthday. We talked for a little and we realized that it would be the last time we would be talking for a while. That was cause I was going to Riverside to see my cuzzin and he had people over for his mommas b day. I felt really sad cuz of all that and everything but I dealt with it cuz we've been through worse. Around 3 my family started getting ready to go and once we were in the van. My Dad pinced my stomach and yelled "What is that?" I knew he was making fun of me just cuz im fat .. I admit it I am overweight and very chunky, nobody can deny that. In my head, I was like "Im tired of my parents always telling me about all this sh**. Seriously. So I changed seats with my Mom. Before we left to pick up my cuzzins in Eastlake, we stopped by Floras and Valerios and picked up and few snacks. I was just having fun with my sister and I accidentally popped this side thing out. My mom started shouting at me and blaming me for breaking it. My sister says that its been broken, but my mom insists that its all my fault. What Im thinking is why is everything always my f**kin fault? She always has the need to blame somebody for everything. On the way ... I just started crying, but I doubt anybody saw me. I swear ... I just didnt feel loved ... its prolly cuz Im not. I believe that my parents love other peoples children more than their own child. Like when we picked up my cuzzins, she decided to be all nice and sh** to them. She was all nice and FAKE as usual. How come she gotta be like that. One minute she been angry at me but when other people step in she puts on this nice motherly act. F*** that sh**. I swear. The rest of the way, I was just pissed and crying like noone knows ... well they dont. They didnt even ask me if I was okay. My parents dont care anyways. When we got there, the only thing I was thinking was that when I go to college, I need to spend some time away from my parents. I was thinking that when Im 18, instead of staying in San Diego for the summer, Ima just go up to San Francisco or something, just anywhere away from my family. Even though I was mad and everything, I had tons of fun with my cuzzins and stuff. They talked to me about my problems and eveything. You know what hurts the most thinking about what my parents have put me through the past couple of years? The fact that they dont even know half of what Ive been through. They dont know about my depression, they dont know about my eating disorder, they dont know anything about me. I bet they dot even know my favorite color. Im serious, its like that. The rest of the night was aiight, but I had one BIG headache. Back to Sunday...

I was woken up at 10 and my parents told me that I needed to go to church cuz it was Palm Sunday. We were really late cuz me and my brother were takin such a long time to get ready. OMG my mom told me that Im not allowed to wear my flip flops to church! I was like .. "Did you read the rules of the church or something? How would you know if im not allowed to?" I was pissed once again and it was still in the middle of the mornin. Church was aiight and after, I talked to Kristine about the BSS day out and our Excel pics that we need to take! goshness. After, my parents sed that we were going back north soon, but I was like .. "I need to get ready!" Around 1, we went to North County Fair on our way to Riverside. We were walkin around the big mall and just going in and out of stores. We ate at the food court and I wish there was a closer A&W fast food place here! I love their food. Afterwards, we went into this one store "Outhouse" and I saw these perty white flip flops! Yes! But my Mom started complainin about how Im never gon wear them .. but I was like .. pssccchhhh. We left and all I could think about was those flip flops. My brother bought this shirt at ae and then my mom decided that shed buy me those flips! I got them, but on the way to the counter. She opened her big f***in mouth and started complainin about how im getting it cuz someone else has it and I started to trip cuz I was tired of taking her sh** and her critizism. She was all heated and she sed that she hates me, she hates going shoppin with me, and I just wanted to slap her and say "F*** off then!" You know what even more f***ed up? She kindly offered my cuzzin to buy some flip flops but she didnt wanna buy any for me! I swear. I would love to have my mom love me at least half as much as she loves other peoples children. I like the slippers tho ...

I got the white ones. I need to get more. Whenever i get $$$ ima buy like every color so I can wear the, with everything!

We left and on the way to my cizzins house, I was thinking, If she hates me so much whyd she have me? I think I feel better knowing that Im a mistake than knowing my moms true identity. So many things were going through my head. I was like My mom dont love me. I remember one day I asked her If she loved me and she responded "I buy u things right?" You know how much I want to trade everything in the world she has given me just to know that she might love me or just for a relationship with her. Ive always wanted a mother daughter relationship with her, but shes never been there for me. When she comes home from work, shes always pissed and never wants to talk. Unlike my Dad, hes cool. When I come home from school everyday, he asks me how my day went and how was school. Unlike my "MOM" she prolly dont even care. I have a closer relationship with Rickys Mom which I think is great and I would never change it for the world. And yeah .. I went to my cuzzins house and chilled for a while, then off we went to drop off my other cuzzin at her house. When I came hoe, I was online for a while then I got to talk to my bebz for a while.. He surely helped me out, but also told me to stop complainin about my family and be happy for him, so I did. That was prolly my favorite part of the day. Well ... Ima leave like this. "God Help Me if I dont Love my Mom" - Arissa from the Real World Las Vegas.

| - fRiDaY aPriL 11, 2oo3 - |

Dang ... Today was soo boring but went by a hella fast! I swear. I woke-up this morning and ate a donut that my Ninang brought over when she came to pick up my other Ninangs baby shower gift! Yep ... a babys on the way! While I was eating, I watched my brother play a lil Metal Gear Solid 2 ... well the level with the skating. It was cooL. I dont know how people get into video games soo much, its very weird yet fascinating. I see my friends all the time trip our because of video games that they play and they talk about codes and all this other stuff. I dont really understand their lingo, so I keep out of it. And every time we go to somebodys house, theyre always playin video games! goshie me! I think they put too much time into their games then they do school! haha. I guess their taking Xanders advice with "Screw Grades until next year!" haha. I love that class. Anywhoo [dont wanna talk about school even tho I wanna go back already!] Today was soo weird. My schedule was all messed up. Gosh, my brother got me and my sister playin the skateboardin level for MGS2, but I wasnt as into it as my lil sister. She was playin like crazy, I was just in my room talkin to Jacob on my brothers computer. Afterwards, I cleaned myself up and hung out with my sister for a while. While eating lunch, I got a weird vibe and I checked my messages and guess who was on? It ws Ricky. I thought it was kinda weird having a weird vibe and seeing that my baby was online. He just wanted to check up on me and ask me how my day was going so far. But hes getting sick! He has the allergy sniffles and a huge headache. Well afterwards, it was off to watch my daily soaps as usual. For some reason today, I just felt like cryin ... I dont know why. I think it was because I was missing Ricky so much. I haven't seen him in a while, but then I thought about people who have long distance relationships and I realized how lucky I am to have him near me. Back to my boring Friday if you dont mind! hehe. Well I watched the shows on tFc and afterwards, I decided that I should write Ricky an e-mail since he had been expecting one for quite some time. I expected to be really short, but it was very very long. I didnt know that I had that much on my mind at that time. I hope he doesnt fall asleep while reading that e-mail. OMG you know what happened? Before I wanted to write an e-mail, I went on yahoo and noticed that I wasn't able to compose any e-mail! I was like .. wTf??? How do u expect to have an e-mail account and not be able to write mail?? geez ... talk about poor service! I wanted to write a complaint, but I couldnt cause the text box was missing. Luckily, I had a hotmail account that was basically the same so I e-mailed him from there. It was about 6:50ish and my Mom finally came home, but with a grip load of groceries. In the middle of putting the groceries in the house she decides to buy chicken for dinner. and guess who she left the groceries to? ME!! thats right ... $100 worth of groceries left to me .. thats great ... I did everything all by myself. Ohh well. Once everything was done,my Prince Charming called for our daily nightly talk. Geez ... my mom was getting a grip of phone calls tonight. So many interruptions, but we still got many decent conversations thorughout the night. I love talking to him. I have the best time when Im talking to him, when Im with him. Well now Im sitting in front of my computer all boreded ... and to top of the whole day, I got a letter saying that poetry.com wants to publish a poem that I wrote for Ricky. They said that they entered or want to enter me into this internationl semi-finals of an open poetry contest, but I was like BS!! theyre just f**cking with my mind to make my sanity unstable. haha. Well Im out ... pAyCe!

Hey Guys ... Well I haven't blogged in a really long time ... so I think I'll Start now.

| - ThUrSdAy ApRiL 1o, 2oo3 - |

Today was Sooo Boring that I decided to Make a Doll Collection ... Enjoy ...